Ego, Trust, and Muscles

My ego is really into these posts. I just re-read the last one, and I feel so clever. All those potato analogies really got to me. I am so amused by my ego, and at the same time, terribly frightened. She is loud and big and overbearing, but I just keep patting her on the head, like, I hear you but I am not going to give you too much bearing on my life.

Eckhart Tolle says that complaining feeds the ego, and I have noticed how often I complain. This isn't to say I am an Eeyore exactly, but maybe one of Eeyore's distant cousins, the one who doesn't mope around because she's afraid it'll inconvenience the other donkeys, but who still manages to whine every couple of seconds. I always thought this whining was harmless, cute even, but there Eckhart goes again, causing me to question everything. I told my co-worker, "You know, I am reading this book that says that complaining is bad, but I am going to disregard that for a sec, because this room is sooo hot! I wish it were cooler." How often do I wish for something that does not exist? How often do I meet my surroundings where they are, and for what they are? I bet the latter happens less than the former. I am working on it, along with all of the other stuff I'm working on, but it takes time.

My friend M says that to build trust in your self, your actions, and your guidance, you have to work that muscle, by listening and flexing. Then your impulse will quicken and you will build a trust reflex, and faith in your reflex. I am really gung-ho about all of this until it comes down to the work. And isn't that always the way. I have these images of myself: Jessica, the brave; Jessica, the strong; Jessica, the one who looks so sporty and fit and doesn't bat an eyelash when she climbs a big-ass mountain. I am tired of all of these images and ideas I have constructed about my "Self" which is really not my self, but just an ego-based construct of my self. I am also tired of the judgment that comes with the images and the labels and the expectations. Shouldn't it be enough for me to want to take care of my body? Sometimes I think I am just so enlightened and spiritual and ahead-of-the-curve that I don't take care of my human-suit-self because I know it's not Me, but that's just another excuse. I am ready to strip all of that away, to work my muscles and stretch myself, or so I say. And then the potatoes come tumbling back into my body, weighting me. And then the fear of nature comes (am I the only one to fear nature? being alone in nature? being attacked in nature?) and the exhaustion and the excuses. And then I sit in a car looking at the mountain, taking a picture while I wish I was climbing, and thinking about how much I would huff and puff and sweat and swear as I climbed. And then . .. nothing.

I WANT TO STRIP THE BARK DOWN TO THE ROOTS, DOWN TO THE CORE. I WANT TO BE NOTHING BUT WHAT I AM, WHAT IS. AND SOMETIMES I WONDER, how do I get there? BUT THAT'S TOTALLY BESIDE THE POINT, WHICH IS THAT: I AM ALREADY HERE. I am already here. I AM HERE.