Ego, Trust, and Muscles

My ego is really into these posts. I just re-read the last one, and I feel so clever. All those potato analogies really got to me. I am so amused by my ego, and at the same time, terribly frightened. She is loud and big and overbearing, but I just keep patting her on the head, like, I hear you but I am not going to give you too much bearing on my life.

Eckhart Tolle says that complaining feeds the ego, and I have noticed how often I complain. This isn't to say I am an Eeyore exactly, but maybe one of Eeyore's distant cousins, the one who doesn't mope around because she's afraid it'll inconvenience the other donkeys, but who still manages to whine every couple of seconds. I always thought this whining was harmless, cute even, but there Eckhart goes again, causing me to question everything. I told my co-worker, "You know, I am reading this book that says that complaining is bad, but I am going to disregard that for a sec, because this room is sooo hot! I wish it were cooler." How often do I wish for something that does not exist? How often do I meet my surroundings where they are, and for what they are? I bet the latter happens less than the former. I am working on it, along with all of the other stuff I'm working on, but it takes time.

My friend M says that to build trust in your self, your actions, and your guidance, you have to work that muscle, by listening and flexing. Then your impulse will quicken and you will build a trust reflex, and faith in your reflex. I am really gung-ho about all of this until it comes down to the work. And isn't that always the way. I have these images of myself: Jessica, the brave; Jessica, the strong; Jessica, the one who looks so sporty and fit and doesn't bat an eyelash when she climbs a big-ass mountain. I am tired of all of these images and ideas I have constructed about my "Self" which is really not my self, but just an ego-based construct of my self. I am also tired of the judgment that comes with the images and the labels and the expectations. Shouldn't it be enough for me to want to take care of my body? Sometimes I think I am just so enlightened and spiritual and ahead-of-the-curve that I don't take care of my human-suit-self because I know it's not Me, but that's just another excuse. I am ready to strip all of that away, to work my muscles and stretch myself, or so I say. And then the potatoes come tumbling back into my body, weighting me. And then the fear of nature comes (am I the only one to fear nature? being alone in nature? being attacked in nature?) and the exhaustion and the excuses. And then I sit in a car looking at the mountain, taking a picture while I wish I was climbing, and thinking about how much I would huff and puff and sweat and swear as I climbed. And then . .. nothing.

I WANT TO STRIP THE BARK DOWN TO THE ROOTS, DOWN TO THE CORE. I WANT TO BE NOTHING BUT WHAT I AM, WHAT IS. AND SOMETIMES I WONDER, how do I get there? BUT THAT'S TOTALLY BESIDE THE POINT, WHICH IS THAT: I AM ALREADY HERE. I am already here. I AM HERE.

A watched pot never boils, and other nonsense (potatoes)

This is not true. Many cooks will tell you that a watched pot never boils, but I personally don't believe this to be true. I think that if you stand there watching the pot as it boils (which is sexy really, if you think about it, all of the steam and small bubbles rising from the heat and then bursting) it just seems like it takes longer because we are there scrutinizing, yelling at the water or broth or rice because it is not boiling fast enough. I often feel this way about my spiritual process, which is sexy when you aren't thinking about it, and which crumbles when you do think about it. Best not to keep the head involved. Best to give it a knitting project, something consuming to keep the monkey mind busy. If you can put it in another room, or just drop your mind and live from your heart, that's essential, but don't worry if you're not there yet. Or, no, I take that back. You are there! How freeing, right? Wherever we are in the process is exactly where we are meant to be. Or we could even boil that down a bit further: wherever we are in the process is where we are meant to be is where we are in the process is where we are! So today I was feeling heavy and lethargic, like somebody had replaced my energy with a sack of potatoes, which just sort of hung out in my body all day, being potatoes, which is to say, lazy and slow and solid. I kind of wanted to mash the potatoes, mash them out of their solid, slow, boring existence. But that breaks one of the Really Spiritual Regarded Rules, which I already mentioned but bears repeating: "Wherever we are in the process is where we are meant to be." I guess I have decided this includes potatoes. Anyway. So feeling really determined to be spiritual and loving and accepting of my potato visitors, first I just held them in my hands and regarded them in their solid form, and I acknowledged them inside of my body, and opened up the possibility of mashed or hashed or pureed potatoes, but didn't force it on them, because I figure the potatoes know better than I about what form they'd like to take. Eventually, they kind of floated through my energy field (hah, field) (did you get it?) and I think one or two potatoes are still left in my belly, just lumpy and not wanting to move, but I am making peace with them, which is to say, I am not charging after them with my masher and bared teeth. Isn't this what life is all about? Learning to relax our mouths, let go of our anger and obsession, and every so gently, like we are walking away from the edge, put the masher down?

Introduction

This is a record of my spiritual awakening. Because of my long-standing habit to sleep through my alarms, or hit the sleep button, and because I can find 1035799 other points that exist between point A and B, this is no quick trip for me. Is awakening, enlightenment, really quick for anyone? All things have their time, and I am on divine time, which does not believe (thankfully for me) in alarm clocks.

Would you like to know my recipe for living presently? Me too! I have a lot cooking, and I am taking the notes and putting some of them here. I have hiccups, days where salt rains into my soups or the broth bubbles over or the kitchen catches fire. But I am always there the next day, stirring or watching or just breathing while the broth breathes, too, bubbles rising like laughter, frothing like deranged mouths. Which is to say, some days I feel deranged.

But here we go. Perhaps one of the biggest lessons I am learning is not to name everything, judge or calculate or think about everything so intensely and intently. It really is better for my jaws not to chew up these thoughts too much. Maybe the thought-chewing comes from my desire to be able to better digest them, but I am learning to take my hands off the reins, to trust that the water will boil when it is good and ready, I just have to show up and do my part, which is to pour water in the pot and turn on the heat. When I write here, I am showing up and doing my part, writing the words down and releasing them back into the universe, along with expectations, hopes, and attachment (I hope.) (Oops!)

The heat is on, the water is in, the words are here, and I am walking away.